Caregiver Recovery: Redefining Normal and Moving Forward

Caregiver Recovery: Redefining Normal and Moving Forward invites listeners into another honest conversation with Christina Keys about life after caregiving. Too often, caregivers are left 'soul tired' and unprepared for life after caregiving. 

Christina is a caregiving advocate, national speaker, and founder of Keys for Caregiving. After a decade-long journey caring for her mother post-stroke, Christina now empowers family caregivers to prioritize self-care, navigate life after caregiving, and build stronger caregiver communities. She created the Caregiver Recovery program and is passionate about making sure caregivers are seen, supported, and celebrated.

In this episode, Christina shares what it means to rediscover freedom, redefine “normal,” and carry forward the love and blessings that remain with her post-caregiving. Through her story, we’re reminded that recovery is not only about healing ourselves, but also about walking alongside those who will come after us. If her journey touched you, visit her website, ChristinaKeys.com and watch for the release of her upcoming book. 

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(Thank you to Pixabay Folk Acoustic Guitar 138361)

Transcript

Thank you for tuning in to the Island Treasures Podcast.

We value the insights shared by our guests and hosts, but it's important to note that their personal experiences are intended to inform and encourage, and not to replace professional, legal, or medical advice.

With that, we are ready for today's exciting episode. Hello and welcome to Island Treasures podcast. We're entering a new season with a new direction.

For years, we've walked alongside caregivers in the midst of their caregiving journey, offering resources, support, encouragement and community. Now, as we shift our focus, we'll be exploring what comes after caregiving.

I'm your host, Alison van Schie, inviting you into conversations with former caregivers. Each episode features honest reflections on what comes next, stories of resilience, renewal and rediscovery.

And since the podcast comes to you from Vancouver Island in Canada, you'll hear the occasional episode that explores a different kind of treasure, local places and experiences that make the island itself something special.

Whether you're navigating life after caregiving, or simply curious about the treasures held within Vancouver Island, I'm glad you're here. Let's explore new treasures together. Joining me today to speak about Life After Caregiving is Christina Keys.

Christina is a caregiving advocate, national speaker and founder of Keys for Caregiving.

After a decade long journey, caring for her mother post stroke, Christina now empowers family caregivers to prioritize self care, to navigate life after caregiving and build stronger caregiver communities.

She created the Caregiver Recovery Program and is passionate about making sure caregivers are seen, supported and celebrated. Welcome, Christina.

Hi, I'm excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me.

That's quite the bio. I just love it. Like it covers everything I want to talk about today.

Wonderful.

Thank you so much.

And you have to forgive the sun.

We don't usually get it here in Washington. So I wasn't prepared for the sun.

I love the sun. I will sit in the sun and just absorb it when possible. So I'm in the basement, but you're actually just glowing because you are struck by the sun.

Thank you.

Well, I'm excited to be here today.

I'm very grateful to have you. So Christina, I wanted to speak to you because I read a post of yours, and I've known you for several years.

I read a post of yours about caregiver recovery, and I thought, oh, that really coincides with what I'm doing now with the podcast with Life After Caregiving.

So again, I'm so excited to have you here because that topic will really resonate with the Life After Caregiving theme. So let's get started with a brief synopsis of your caregiving story.

Okay. All right. Well, I was living the American dream, got a job, made it a career, and everything was going great.

One day I got a call. It was March 16th, 2013 that my mother had had a stroke and she wasn't expected to live. I walked into the ICU and I didn't know if I was going to walk out of there with a mother or have to make funeral arrangements for her.

But three months later, I wheeled my mother out of there. She was paralyzed on one side with multiple medical conditions, and I became her caregiver for 10 years.

Through that, I had to experience things like instantly without training, becoming an EMT, a med tech, a PT, an OT, a speech therapist, a CNA, all the things, a case manager without training that every family caregiver gets thrown into.

I cared for my mother for 10 years, and it was quite the journey. I wound up having to leave my career. I lost all my life savings paying for my mother's care because she had Medicare and a supplement, and Medicare does not cover in-home care.

And I went from making six figures to standing in food bank lines, all because I chose to care for my mother. And, but I would do it again and again and again. So.

That's beautiful.

I mean, it's not beautiful that you financially just took a plummet, but the fact that you were able to walk out of hospital with your mom, even though it was a 10-year commitment to caregiving for her.

But what a grounding for you to learn all those different careers, all now wrapped up into one Christina. So, so it's a great foundation for you.

Absolutely. I was very grateful.

You know, one of the things about caregiving, I think it does for all of us, it's really our, we feel like it's our weakest moment, because every day we feel like we're failing, every day we feel like we're not doing enough, right?

But one of the things I found is being a caregiver, even in all the chaos and the confusion is, I became a stronger woman than I had ever been, or knew I was capable to be.

And I think every caregiver out there that's listening or has gone through that, they have changed as a person, they've become more resilient, they've become stronger, they've become better at solving crises.

There's so many amazing qualities that we gain from caregiving. And we also gain a completely different understanding of the meaning of love.

So how long did it take you to recognize that you had all these skills and all this strength?

Well, you know, frankly, when I brought her out of the hospital and I took her home, you know, technically, I was a family caregiver the moment I willed her out of that hospital.

And I took her home and I remember my first Facebook post popped up not too long ago and it said, I put on there, this is how much I did not know about caregiving.

Does anybody know if they have such thing as like babysitters, but for adults, I literally did not even know the term caregiver, right? And it took me at least a year to figure out all of these things.

And I was already like doing them, you know, just thrown in and I'm doing them.

And I had, you know, I asked everybody I could and you know, but I also was asking doctors and nurses and that is not their job to educate me, you know, and so or any caregiver, right? So yeah, it was it was tough.

I always explain caregiving like being told to fly the plane while building the plane without a toolbox, without an instruction manual, while you're afraid of heights. I mean, that is the perfect explanation of caregiving, you know, so.

Oh, it's quite the visual. Yeah. And again, you know, you said, I want to go back to your first statement about the love, the love that you had for your mom, and you would have done it over and over and over again.

And I apologize for not commenting on that, because love is what it's all about.

Right. Absolutely. I think that's the thing that helps so many caregivers get through that.

And it helps, you know, it extends the quality of life I feel like for the people we're caring for. And, you know, I think about my mom, they gave her 1% chance to live. When I walked into that ICU, she was on life support.

She was paralyzed from the neck down. When she finally came off life, I mean, she bled out for like almost 30 days, you know? And when she finally came off the life support, she couldn't talk.

We had to teach her. I had to teach her how to talk. They had a speech therapist, but they were teaching her how to talk with stick figure flashcards.

And my mom didn't come back for stick figure flashcards, right? And so I, from the hospital, because I was working from the hospital, I was living in the hospital out of a suitcase. I was going home once a week to shower.

I smelt fabulous, by the way. And I had my laptop and I went on Facebook and I gathered 300 of our pictures, her life, and I had somebody pick them up from the start for me and bring them. And I turned them into flashcards.

And I would just sit there twice a day and do flashcards with my mom. And she remembered her grandchildren, she remembered her garden, she remembered her house. And that's what taught her how to talk again, because she came back for love.

And so that's the most important thing that we need to put into our caregiving. And we do that every day, even if it doesn't always look like it when we're begging them to drink their shake and take a shower, but they're refusing to do.

Yeah. So you tailored it completely to your mom.

Yeah, absolutely.

But even even flashcards, like what a great idea that was. And you took it and made it yours, made it so it was actually very effective with your mom. I love that too.

I think we all do that.

All of us caregivers, we learn how to just make it happen, you know, because none of us have any training.

You know, I haven't met one family caregiver who went through, who found out, who even knew they were going to be a family caregiver from the day they started, right? And then they said, oh, I'm going to be a family caregiver.

And then they went through this extensive training and then they started. And I always joke if there was a book that said what to expect when caregiving, like nobody would read it.

Nobody would read it because everybody think it's not going to happen to me. And the fact of the matter is we're either going to need a caregiver one day or we're going to be a caregiver one day. And not many people get a pass from that.

Right now in the US there are 63 million family caregivers out there. And in my town, I've got a town of 500,000 folks and there are 49,500 family caregivers in every single city across the United States.

The population, 10 to 17 percent of that population are family caregivers. And the rest are people who need care. And if they don't have family taking care of them, there's somebody else taking care of them.

So yeah, I mean, those are some heavy stats if you think about that. Not many people get out of being one or having one.

Yeah, they are staggering stats. I love that quote by Rosanne Carter that also speaks to the four types of people in the world. Those who are, will be, will need and were caregivers.

Yeah, so that's exactly what you're saying.

Yeah.

There's something you said I wanted to go back and talk about too, but you've said so much already. Give me a second here. No, it's not coming.

Anyway, we will continue. Yeah, so you learned so much when you were caregiving, but then when it stopped, when your mom passed away, can you talk about the transition that you went through when you were no longer a caregiver, that identity was gone.

Can you talk about that?

Yeah. Well, first, I need to back up a minute and say I had a very odd blessing.

My father, who I loved dearly and I did not take care of, passed away, he passed away April 30th of 2022, and that was very unexpected, and I was still taking care of my mother, and so I started going right away because I just didn't have the

emotional capacity, the mental capacity to be a caregiver for my mom. I was also at that time a caregiver for my ex-boyfriend. My father, he passed away five days later, my cousin passed away.

Four days later, my ex-boyfriend Terry, he had his last stroke and I was working on getting him put into 24-hour placement.

All of these things are happening, so I knew I didn't have the capacity to process any more emotions, and so I needed to go to grief counseling, and I went to one-on-one intensive grief counseling, and so I thought I was going to be prepared for my

mom passing. Plus, my mom was around for 10 years, and she was only supposed to not even make it out of the intensive care, right? We had had all these end-of-life talks, and I thought, I love my mom, I'm going to be sad, but I'm ready.

I'll be ready, like we've had the talks. At this time, I'm a leader in the industry, I'm talking all over, I know everybody, like I have an end-of-life dula, I've had for the last three years, like I'm prepared, I'm just going to feel the sadness.

And then now I've taken all these grief things, I know how to process the grief, it's going to be wonderful. It's going to be not wonderful, but I'm going to know how to do it, right? I was not prepared.

I was not prepared.

I don't think anybody, even the top expert in the industry, they can be talking about all day long, but until they've watched their own mother, their own father, their own child, their own partner die and be right there by their side, they're not

prepared for that. I wasn't prepared. When my mother passed away, December 28th, I thought I could apply the tools of grief that I learned by going through all the intensive grief counseling from my father, and I did, and they're very helpful.

I would suggest that any family caregivers who go through losing the loved one they care for seek out intensive grief therapy through any local bereavement center, community center, or spiritual center that has it in your area.

But what I was not prepared for was what it took to come out of fight or flight mode after being it for 10 years. I was not prepared for having to learn how to sleep after not being able to sleep for 10 years.

I was not prepared for when the phone rang and that used to be the mom hotline, still having the shooting up of the blood pressure and the anxiety.

I wasn't prepared for having to learn how to have a meal because for the past 10 years, if I had a meal, it was based on when mom, I could do that and mealtime was like either really quick or project management planning in my head for mom.

I was not prepared for 10 o'clock in the morning when I would check with the caregivers and that feeling like I was supposed to be doing something or five o'clock in the afternoon or two o'clock in the morning when I used to check the cameras.

I was not prepared for all of these things. I was not prepared for like for 10 years, I learned very clearly that I didn't matter.

It's very funny, I had to make an amends to myself and some other people because I got angry being invisible as a family caregiver, you know, and I was resentful about being invisible as a family caregiver.

And nobody asked how I was anymore, you know, they always asked about mom. And then when mom passed, I realized I was the one who was most guilty of not seeing myself because I had put mom first for everything. When do I shower?

When do I eat? When do I sleep? Who do I talk to?

Who do I work?

Where do I work?

All of these things were centered around my mother. And so now there's just me and I don't even know who I am anymore. If I'm not mom's caregiver, I don't know who I am.

I don't know what my schedule is. I don't know what I like anymore because it's been 10 years since I asked that question.

So I, you know, part of caregiver recovery is making amends to myself for putting myself second for so long, you know, and, and I had to apply some of the same tools that I did, you know, three years into my caregiving, the doctors told me, hey, by

the way, your body's shutting down. You have six months to live, right? Because I wasn't practicing self care. And so at that time I had to listen to what people said, rather than wish I could kick them in the shin and every time they said it, right?

And what I had to do was stop for a minute and redefine my normal. I had to redefine my normal and say, okay, I can't do self care like I used to anymore. I can't, you know, go to the beach.

I can't get many petties. I can't do all of these things. I have to redefine my normal.

My normal now is I have to figure out how to pay my mom's care, put a roof over my head, you know, take care of her and all that. And I only have chunks of five or 10 minutes. My normal now is I am going to be interrupted.

And so now I've got to take like five seconds and five minutes. I have to redefine what self-care is. It's not a mani-pedi.

It's drinking a glass of water. It's doing a round around the nurses station. It's going to the mailbox and taking a deep breath.

So I had to redefine all that, right? And it saved my life while I was taking care of my mother. So now here I am.

Mom is past. I don't know who the heck I am. I don't know how to live my life.

I don't know what my schedule is. I don't know how to eat a meal. I don't know how to sleep.

I don't know how to do any of these things. And so I've got to redefine my normal once again. What is my normal now?

I have all this time, but I'm also processing heavy, heavy grief, right? And so I have all this time, and then I've been making all these decisions for mom forever. I have no idea how to make a decision for myself.

And now I have all this freedom, and I don't know what the heck I like. I literally had to break it down. I made these lists.

I made these lists of like $0 to $25. Things that I liked, I wanted to try, like foods that I hadn't been able to afford to go out to eat, you know, places I wanted to visit. I made like, you know, 25 to 50.

I made a 50 to 100, and I made it. If I won the lotto list, you know, and I tore them up and I put them in jars.

And when I knew I had some free time and I needed to do something, I would look at my budget and I would pick a thing, because I didn't know. I didn't know, like, if I wanted Thai food or if I wanted to go to the food carts.

I didn't know if I wanted to go hiking or to the movies, because it had been so long and I couldn't make those decisions for myself.

And it really reminded me, all of it reminded me of, you know, I have 31 years sober, I have 32 years sober from drugs and alcohol on March 4th. And it reminded me of getting sober.

It reminded me of having to really just recreate my whole life and not knowing what the heck to do, you know, and feeling like, you know, I was 25 when I got sober. And if you're doing the math, I'm only 43 for anybody that's listening.

I was 25 when I got sober. And, you know, at that time, I had already, I was already like, you know, a manager, a district manager. I mean, I was already like successful, even though, you know, everything was caving.

And so I didn't know how to do that without drugs or alcohol. And now they're telling me I can't do that. So I got to recreate everything, you know?

And then now I don't know how to do this without mom. I got to recreate everything.

So it reminded me of being in recovery and learning how to take those small steps, you know, learning that it's okay to take a shower when I would like to take a shower now.

And learning that it's okay to sit and eat, you know, learning that it's really okay to sleep, you know? And it's really okay when the phone rings. Like I had to change the ringer on my phone because it was so crazy.

But so I created the phase Caregiver Recovery. And I started documenting what was different. I started documenting how I was walking through it.

I started documenting that, you know, the good to be bad and the ugly of how I was walking through it, you know? And, you know, the parts that were grief and the parts that I felt were Caregiver Recovery.

And I also started a Caregiver Recovery Support Group. And I've done a couple of talks here and there at places. I've spoken on Caregiver Recovery.

And yeah, and now I have a book coming out.

Well, we're going to talk about that a little bit later. I just want to congratulate you. I don't know how you feel about being congratulated, but I think it is so awesome that you've been sober, clean and sober for 32 years.

So congratulations on that.

Thank you.

I also want to comment on how sad I felt when you said that you didn't matter, that you were invisible. And then, you know, you've shared so much about how impactful caregiving was stealing away who you were, stealing away opportunities.

But stealing away might not be the right phrase to use, but just your focus was so intent on your mother and providing care for her that you totally left yourself behind.

And because of that, your own health suffered and you've been recovering now since she's passed away for a couple of years. So yeah, I just wanted to comment on those things.

Thank you.

But now we can talk about your book.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

You know, I learned a lot. You know, I'm still learning.

You know, I'm still fine, fine tuning some of my journey and getting comfortable with the freedom, you know, getting comfortable with the freedom and getting comfortable with building a relationship with grief, because I think that grief never ends

and our relationship with grief just changes. And so, yeah, the books should be coming out here. I think they said probably like four months. And so, yeah, I'm excited about that.

And, you know, it's something me and my mother talked about. I do a lot of advocacy work. I do a lot of speaking nationally.

And when my mom was alive, any time a news crew would come in or a film crew would come in or a newspaper would come in, you know, I would ask her, Mom, do you want to be a part of this? I have this schedule today and she'd say yes or no.

And so when she'd say yes, in some type of days she would like not be feeling well. And I'd be like, Mom, are you up for, you know, the film crew or newspaper or whatever? And she'd be like, yeah, I'm fine.

I'm just really sick. And then they'd come in and she'd be like, you know, I mean, she was a superstar. And I was like, that woman and a camera.

So, but anyways, we talked about, she really loved being a part of that advocacy because she, you know, we went through, my mother was an aerospace engineer, an executive at aerospace engineer for many years.

She had like the highest security clearance you can get on the military side.

I mean, she was a very accomplished woman and she was like, you know, the term Shira that people talk about, she should have been the poster child for that because she was an amazing woman. She was a very strong woman and very independent.

And, you know, she was very much set up financially for herself and neither one of us understood the financial impact or the financial or the emotional or the mental or the physical impacts that caregiving would take on our family, on me and her as a

family. And so when I started doing some of this work and working in the industry, it was very important for her, for me to continue that work, because she didn't want other families to go through what we went through.

And so, you know, when I get to do these things, I'm not just doing my work, I'm carrying out our work.

You know, we had this thing, anytime there was a difficult time, it was like me and her against the crappy doctor, or me and her against like her stroke, or her paralyzed side, or whatever it was, and me and her against a challenge, and we would say,

we got this, it's team mom. It's team mom, you know.

And that's true caregiving, it's a care partnership.

Yeah, and so, you know, this book coming out is, you know, just another team mom win.

Your mom sounds amazing.

Yeah, she was pretty cool.

Yeah.

She was a pain in my butt the other times.

Of course, she's your mother.

Yeah.

She's your mother. Of course, she was a pain in the butt.

That happens.

It does. Mother daughter relationships are hilarious. Yeah.

I don't know if my daughter is going to hear that, but she'll go, oh yeah, you got the pain in the butt part, mom. That's precious.

And I bet like when you're doing these projects that are super cool, like the book, you're just feeling her presence so close. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

For sure.

Yeah. Very cool. I did remember what it was from that very first thing we spoke about.

Hey, what is it?

It was about the book that you said that Caregivers Wish had been written, but nobody would read it.

Right. Nobody would read it. And again, like you said, like I've lobbied politically, not all the time, but I did a while ago.

And I said, until this happens to you or your family, this won't be of meaning to you.

Right.

But there are people where it has happened to their family. So you need to pay attention. Like it's just so sad that it takes that personalization, that self-awareness because it's happening to you before we take notice.

And it's just so sad. But preparing to care or expecting that somewhere along the line, we will be caring for someone else or we will be the care recipient. I think we all need to embrace that as we grow up.

Sure.

Yeah.

Well, it's interesting because I've been very open about my caregiving journey.

And it's because I feel like people who are out there, I wish I would have known in the beginning of my journey, somebody who is talking about how it really is for caregiving, how it really was for caregiving, not sugarcoating it, like just talking

about the love story side of caregiving, right? Like the whole picture, right? And there are people who follow me on my social media and they'll never say anything. They'll never say anything.

They never come out of the woodworks. And then one day I get a DM. Hey, Christina, I've been following you for years.

I'm now taking care of my father and I'm lost. Can you help me out? And it's like, if anything, they know where to turn.

And I'm able to help them out. So it's, and I feel like, I feel like anytime that happens, it's like a hello from heaven.

Yeah.

So I'm always grateful when that happens. So, you know, it's really important for me to continue sharing my story. It's really important for me to continue sharing, you know, the caregiver recovery journey.

And, you know, I also feel like if we go through these things in life, if we go through these challenges in life and we make it through, it is our responsibility as human beings to help the people who come after us.

You know, we're here to be of service to others. There's a reason why there's, you know, so many people on this earth. We're here to be of service to others and to help people and to also teach them how to help people behind them.

Right?

Yeah, that's a post-caregiving takeaway as well, is to teach and to care on other people and share the wisdom that you now have. Like that is definitely a post-caregiving thing.

And it can also be a caregiving thing because in the support groups that I've facilitated, there are people in different stages of caregiving who can definitely share and bring along the new caregivers in the group.

They can just, this is what to expect. Sometimes it's more than they want to hear, but this is what's going to happen because we worked mostly with dementia and cognitive impairment.

Yeah. And I tell people all the time, you know, one of the biggest things, because I do a lot of care coaching too, right? One of the biggest things is find other caregiver friends, right?

That those are so valuable because here's the deal. Somebody who's not a caregiver is going to say, oh honey, you need to put your oxygen mask on first.

Then they're going to walk away, go to their life, go home, get a glass of wine, go to the movies or whatever, and you're going to be left, you know, confused. Another caregiver will say, listen, Christina, you need to put your oxygen mask on first.

Here's where you get it. Here's how to use it. This is when you replace it.

This is how often you replace it. And if you get lost, this is who you call to find out the answers to your questions. That's the difference between a caregiver and somebody who's not caregiving.

And that's why it's important to have a caregiver friend, even if you just need to call them every now and then and say, I love my mom, but I do not want to be her caregiver.

If she calls my name, if she says, Tina, one more time, you know, and we need somebody to say that to, we need somebody to say, I have been trying to get them to take a shower for a week.

And they won't, you know, we need somebody to say that to because we're losing our mind, you know, trying to get them to do what's good for them sometimes, right? And it's also, there's a lot of grief that comes with it too.

I remember one time my mom, my mom, so intelligent, she was so smart. And tax season was here and my mom insisted on doing her own taxes and then she got an extension because she'd always done her own taxes. And I'm like, mom, please let me help you.

And I asked her multiple times and she wouldn't let me help her. And I'm like, mom, there are people who can help us if you don't want me to help you. And then I'm like, mom, what is going on?

Because I helped her with the finding. I'm like, why don't you want me to see? Why don't you want me to see?

And she started crying and she said, Tina, I don't know why I can't add up these simple numbers. My brain, I feel my mind slipping away and I can't stop it. And she had a very lucid moment.

And, you know, and as a caregiver, like we need to, we need that moment, we need to be there for them. We need to be there for them. We need to set aside the pain we're feeling.

We need to be there for them. And once we're done being there for them, we get in our car, we call our caregiver friend, and we do some self care by crying in the car.

Yeah.

You know?

Yeah. Yeah. Keeping it away from them that you're feeling this intense grief at that point.

Yeah.

I had to do that a lot on the end of life journey with my mom. You know, telling her it's okay to go or making the plans, telling her it was okay.

And I don't know, there's a church that's down the street from her house, and I've never attended that church. But I have been in that church parking lot probably 200 times flying in my car. Never once been inside the church.

But I would, you know, have those talks with my mom and be very strong and take notes and, you know, mom, whatever your wishes are and mom, if you're ready to go, it's okay to go. And not one tear would fall until I got to the parking lot.

Well, God saw those tears anyway, even though you weren't in the church.

Yeah. Yes, for sure.

Yeah, the pain you feel is a caregiver. It's just intense.

Yeah, it's tough, you know, and I don't think any of us are prepared. You know, we aren't prepared how it's going to affect our heart. It's going to affect our soul and how confusing it's going to be.

And again, it's different for everybody.

Right, for sure.

It's very personalized.

Yeah, I remember talking to this woman who had cared for her husband for so many years who had dementia.

And when he was on hospice, you know, getting that DM from her, Christina, I thought I was prepared. I said, honey, we're never prepared. So, yeah, yeah.

But there's a lot of blessings in that journey. And there's a lot of funny stories in that journey. You know, I remember my mom and I would have this constant argument when talk about end of life.

She wanted, my mom wanted, always wanted the best things at the best deal, right? My mom was very good with her money and she always wanted the best thing, the best deal. We got had this argument all the time.

She wanted a casket from Costco. I was like, Mom, I'm not getting a casket from Costco. Where am I supposed to keep it in the garage?

And then how am I going to get it there? It was a constant argument. It used to drive me crazy.

It used to drive me crazy all the time. And she was so insistent. It's my life.

It's my funeral. Right? That was, we'd go toe to toe on that, right?

So after she passes, I'm in the funeral home and you know, I'm on a budget because she doesn't have life insurance. She doesn't, you know, I'm selling American Girl dolls, you know, to pay for the funeral. We don't have a savings for this.

And I go in there and they show me the caskets and there's this beautiful one that says, mom, it's all pink, exactly what she wanted. And, you know, it's like $6,000. And I'm like, okay, well, let me go home, make a decision.

And just, I'm like, I'm just going to look on the Costco website. And I look on the Costco website, the same exact one is like $1,500. And so I called the funeral home.

And I know the lady personally, because I was running a non-profit in the area. And I'm like, hey, I found this, you know, casket that my mom really liked from Costco. And if I buy it from there, how do I get it to you?

And she says, well, what does it look like? And how much is it? And I told her, and she says, well, we'll give you the one that's exactly like it that's here, but we'll give it to you for the Costco price.

So in the end, in the end, my mother got what she wanted, pretty much the Costco casket, what she wanted, the price. So and I couldn't help but like laugh after that.

And there were so many stories where they win, you know, regardless of what we're trying to think.

So I think you both won in that situation.

Yeah, it was a funny one even after she passed, you know, she was still, she was still getting her way.

Yeah. Oh, we have a way of doing that. We mothers.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. It seemed like I was in charge, but she was still the mom and she was in charge.

Well, you respect it and had gave her dignity, like just, yeah. And for her to feel that she was in charge is awesome.

Yeah. Yeah.

But that moment where she couldn't tally up numbers when she done her taxes forever like that had to be just heartbreaking for her.

Yeah. It was, I just remember her saying, there's nothing I can do to stop it.

Yeah.

And she, that was why it was taking so long and she wasn't letting anybody help her.

And also heartbreaking for you.

Yeah. It was a, I had such compassion for that, or, you know, cause I just knowing how brilliant she was, you know, and her being able to be conscious of losing that, you know, so, yeah, yeah.

So as you are in the Caregiver Recovery Chapter of your life, let's talk more about the Caregiver Recovery Program that you've initiated.

So the support group and the Caregiver Recovery Program, you know, we have to, our caregiver life affects our life emotionally, mentally, physically, financially, spiritually, and socially, right?

And so we have to many times rebuild our life in all of those areas. And so, you know, first thing we address in our Caregiver Recovery Program is how to address the grief, where to address it, right?

And then we break down each of those topics and, you know, suggestions on how to do that, you know, where to find some of that. And we go through those. When I do the talks on it, when I, you know, do the trainings on it, the book will go in depth.

Our Caregiver Recovery Support Group is very much a peer-to-peer led support group. And so I don't want to be an expert in that group. In that group, I come as a caregiver who's walking through a caregiver recovery journey.

And the group is almost a year old now, and it's doing well. And each month, somebody from the last meeting signs up to be the 10, 15 minute speaker, and then we all get a chance to share. And we're very protective.

We've had multiple people want to, we've had journalists want to come and do articles on it. We've had therapists want to come, and I'm absolutely not.

There are things that happen there and we need to create a safe space, for people to say whatever they need to say.

And so we're very strict in that group about, and some people have said, well, I cared for my mom, but now she's in an assisted living. I say, I'm so sorry that I know that's a tough transition. But right now, that's not a good fit for this group.

You know, and so, yeah.

One reason I've started this podcast for Life After Caregiving is because so many of the caregivers who I started with six years ago with the support group, their loved ones have passed away and they reached that point. Who am I now?

What's my purpose? How do I move forward? All those things, all those things you spoke about so eloquently earlier.

Yeah, it's, and it's okay to discover who you are.

You know, it's okay, you know, to not know. You know, it's okay to, you know, find something that you think you might like, and then you find out you don't like it.

You know, I mean, and it's okay to have experiences where, I mean, when I first was a caregiver, I was playing on three softball teams. I was doing all this stuff and vacationing all the time.

Well, you know, by the time mom passed, I was in my early 50s.

There's no way I was going to be playing on three softball teams anymore, you know, and I didn't have money to vacation all the time, you know, and, you know, I couldn't go back, you know, and people say you just need to get back to who you are.

You know, I can't get back to who I am. I was a woman with a mother and a father. I don't have a mother and a father anymore, right?

And my priorities are different now. When you go through something like caregiving, where you're faced with life and death decisions on a daily basis, and then you walk through a death, different things become important to you, right?

And what you're willing to sacrifice and how important your piece is, all of these things become important to you, right? So it's okay to, you know, trial and error the who am I, right?

And there's no, you know, I tell the folks in the group all the time, and people in my classes, as long as you're not hurting yourself or somebody else, it's all fair game, right?

No timeline, you know, you don't have to be like in three months, you know, do this and six months do that. And it's almost like with the grief, you know, a lot of people talk about the stages and grief. Well, I constantly correct them.

Those stages were written for the people who were dying. They were not written for the people who stayed behind and lost a loved one. There are no stages.

You can go through those stages all in ten minutes when you're walking through grief. The same thing with caregiver recovery. There's no normal, there's no timelines.

You get to decide. One of the things with caregiver recovery, people talk about how tired they are and the trauma and the being in the fight or flight mode for so long. It is that tired is not a tired that a nap can fix.

It is a soul tired and so there is some healing that needs to be done for a minute. And you have to, again, we made ourselves so invisible that giving ourselves permission to do that healing is tough.

And I tell people all the time too, I suggest, you know, what I did was, you know, I tried different things.

I tried, like, you know, somatic therapy and this therapy and reiki therapy, all these different types of therapy, you know, all these different types of modalities, all these different types of things, whatever you need to try.

If one thing doesn't fit, try something else until something does fit. Until that moment, and it might just be a timing thing. It might just be a, because it was a Wednesday and you tried, I don't know, pole dancing, you know what I mean?

That might be the one thing that heals you. Who knows, right? So we don't, we don't know, it's how we know, right?

But just keep showing up for yourself and loving yourself. And it's okay if some days, the way you show up and you love yourself, is you pull the covers over your head and you just breathe through it.

Yeah. That invisible, and it doesn't matter. Those are just heart wrenching.

I don't think I've heard a caregiver or active caregiver or post caregiver say that I didn't matter. I know they felt invisible. I get that.

And I know that people talk to your care recipient or your loved one and not you. But it just spoke volumes to me when you used the phrase, I didn't matter.

I don't think we realize how much we forgot about ourselves too. Even though we were, you know, we were trying to after a while, after a while, we were trying to incorporate the self-care. We were trying to go to the support groups.

We were trying to do all these things. I, I don't think we realize how much we forgot about ourselves. Hell, it's over.

And that's why we part of the reason why we feel so lost.

That makes sense.

Yeah.

So, let's recover together.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

And just like caregiving, you know, there are so many people out there today that are walking through a journey of life after caregiving or caregiver recovery, as I call it.

And there are people out there who you can do this journey with, whether it be, you know, listening to your podcast, going to your group, going to my group, reading my book when it comes out, reading other books about life after caregiving.

You know, you don't have to do it alone, just like you found out in your caregiving journey that you didn't have to do it alone.

Such wisdom. And to think you're only 43.

I'm only 43.

That's right.

Do the math.

43.

23 and 25, 43.

As a retired social worker, I always say I'm not good at math, but even I could figure that one out.

I know.

You know what? One of the things you talked about, and it's little, it's not significant, but it might help somebody. You said you have a really hard time or had a really hard time making decisions.

And so you made those lists and you put them into jars. I love that idea.

Yeah, it was fun.

Yeah. Like, did you come up with that yourself?

Yeah. Well, yeah. I mean, because I didn't know and I had and I also had a budget, you know, I didn't have a lot of money and I couldn't think.

And so I couldn't think about what I wanted to do or what I wanted to try. So I would just think about like, OK, well, I haven't been able to afford Thai food for a long time.

And I like Thai food or or there's this new restaurant or, you know, hiking. And I would put down places that I wanted to go hiking. And then I the list were kind of ongoing to you know what I mean?

So I would just add something and put it in those jars. And when I couldn't think, but I knew I had a block of time and I knew I had like 20 or $50 or whatever it was, I would just pick something from the jar.

OK, this I'm going to go to the movies today, you know? And it's a whole different experience. You know, I had two experiences after my mom passed.

And the first one was I went on a date. This wonderful man took me on a date, right? And, you know, he picked me up in his car.

That was new. I always had to drive myself because in case mom had an emergency, right? I didn't have to hire caregivers, you know, make sure they were.

I didn't have to pay for that, right? I didn't have to be home in a certain amount of time. And we go out to eat and it's this beautiful restaurant on the water.

Very nice gentleman. I'm sure he had some wonderful things to say during our dinner. But all I could think, well, he's telling me all of these, I'm sure, really profound or amazing stories, is, oh my god, my cell phone is in my purse.

I don't have to have it on the table. I don't have to answer it. I don't have to be home in a certain time.

I could stay out all night if I wanted to. I'm having this completely different experience. Sorry, Jeremy, if you're out there somewhere, that's what happened on our date.

And the second one was going hiking for the first time. You know, it's funny because I went with my friend. She's very like, we have to have a destination, da-da-da-da-da.

And I was just like, she's like, where are we going, Christina? I'm like, I don't know. This is just so amazing.

I can't believe I'm out here in this wilderness. And I didn't care. I'm like, if we get lost, I'm sure somebody will find us.

And we have like, we can be gone for two days and it's totally fine. I'm having this completely different experience because I was like, I didn't have to have my cell phone on. I didn't have to carry any special supplies with me.

I mean, so experience that stuff and allow yourself to experience, allow yourself to have that kind of joy and that kind of like, oh my gosh, this is all new moments, right? Allow yourself to do that, right?

And you have to, and then also, when you get done and you feel either guilty or whatever, because sometimes we do, right? It's okay to cry through that, it's okay to feel it if that comes up for you, right?

I mean, when I went hiking, I had a great time. I had a wonderful time. I took so many pictures, it was fabulous.

And then I got home and I felt bad for being so happy about having freedom, you know? And it's okay, crying after that was part of the process too. It's all fair game.

If you're listening and you're walking through your Care River Recovery Journey, it is all fair game. Again, if you're not hurting yourself or somebody else, do what you need to do.

Yeah. Yeah. Give yourself permission.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, this is amazing. I could listen to you a lot longer, but I would like people to check out your book when it comes out in a couple of months. And I'm saying a couple of months because this podcast is going to air, I believe, December 23rd.

So that, you know, a couple of months away. So, but yeah. So the book and how would you like folks to reach you?

People can reach me at my website.

It's very simple, christinakeys.com and Keys is spelt just like Car Keys, right? Or you can go to any of the social media platforms, look up Christina Keys or Keys for Caregiving, and you'll be able to find me there.

Thank you so much. Any final things that you want to say?

To all the caregivers out there, you're doing an amazing job and you're not. Yeah.

And do you have a quote that you'd like to share with the listeners?

Yeah. Stop waiting for the light at the end of the tunnel, and light it up yourself.

Ooh, Rich.

It's my favorite quote. Awesome.

Well, thank you so much for joining me today, and for sharing such keys to post caregiving. How's that?

Wonderful. Thank you so much for having me. It was definitely a joy.

I'm very grateful.

Thanks, Christina. Christina reminded us how unprepared most of us are, not only for caregiving, but also for life after caregiving. That uncharted space can leave us feeling lost.

Yet it's also where recovery begins, offering us a chance to rebuild and rediscover our new normal. Caregiving leaves us soul tired, and caregiver recovery is about reacquainting with ourselves, making peace with grief, and rediscovering freedom.

Even though at times experiencing joy may feel complicated. As Christina reminded us, it's not only for ourselves we take these baby steps forward to rebuild life in every dimension. It's also for those caregivers who come after us.

And in the end, it's not about the stick figure flashcards or the tasks we carried. It's about the love and the blessings we carry with us as we move forward after caregiving.

If you'd like to learn more from Christina, I invite you to visit her website, christinakeys.com, and watch for the release of her upcoming book on Caregiver Recovery.

Thank you for tuning in today, and to Christina Keys, thank you for sharing your story. If you enjoyed today's episode, share it with your friends, especially those navigating Life After Caregiving.

And if you don't want to miss future episodes, be sure to subscribe to the Island Treasures Podcast. See you next episode!